The first step is admitting it.

I’ve decided it is time to take back my life – even if it is completely different than what I had planned for and expected. I’ve also decided that some of what I have been going through over the last several years, and especially the last 8 months could benefit others. Therefore I am going to attempt to journal this and share it for those that may be interested. I’ve tried this before – and usually never get to the point of actually sharing or publishing anything. So we will just see where this goes.

I believe that everything happens for a reason, and that everyone in my path was put there to show me something about myself. The people that push my buttons the hardest are the ones that I have the most to learn from. Seriously, why do they bother me so much if I don’t see any of their behavior in me? I know the answer to that is because they are mirroring a behavior or pattern that I also have, and most of the time I’m in big time denial that it is my pattern. Except now I know better. Still doesn’t make it easy to swallow.

My most recent revelation is related to my pattern of trying to please everyone. I’m a libra and I’ve always been the peacekeeper. Even as a child I remember trying to stop my parents from fighting. Not that they had any big fights – just the usual that every married couple has (yes every married couple argues – but I digress). I’ve always felt the need, perhaps even that it was my duty – to try and step in and help other people get along. Ironic isn’t it, that I get so angry and irritated with the people in my life that also have this pattern? Actually I don’t think it is ironic at all. I believe I chose to have these people come into my life so I could see how this pattern of behaviour is making me (and others) miserable. I believe that we choose our families long before we incarnate as humans. I believe that everything is in divine design.

I have many memories of becoming very defensive and even lashing out at loved ones because I felt that they were hurting others that I loved. I’ve yelled at my aunts for hurting my mother’s feelings, at my mother in law for hurting my husband’s feelings, and at my parents for hurting my daughter’s feelings. The problem was – none of these perceived victims asked me to get involved. In fact, they didn’t even “tell” me that their feelings were hurt. I just assumed. Yes, maybe they were hurt a bit – but they never wanted or expected me to go to bat for them. Had they asked that would have been a completely different story. But in all of the times I flew to their defense without them asking me to – I ended up hurting more people in the process.

Realizing this is huge for me. Especially now – with my whole life being turned upside down by the sudden and unexpected death of my husband. I have experienced a level of grief and depression that I never could have fully understood before. I never would have imagined that I could spend 8 months doing pretty much nothing and staying in my pajamas for days on end. I never would have imagined that I could care so little about what is going on in the world. And what is even worse – is that through some widows groups I have joined I never would have imagined that so many others out there are going through exactly what I am.

What I have realized is that we all have shit we are going through. I’ve been trying my whole life to juggle everyone elses shit for them. They never asked me to, and I never asked them if I could. So I shoudn’t be upset if I get coverred in other people’s shit. Time to wipe it off and worry about my own shit. Time to stop living in other people’s circumstances. Time to realize that by being more selfish – I can actually become even more loving. Loving of myself, which leads to being more loving towards others. Those that are meant to be in my life will accept this. Those that are also stuck in this pattern, I will gently remind them that I don’t need them to fix anything for me. Hopefully this will remind me of my own pattern and they will understand. If not, it’s not my shit to worry about.

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