Who Am I?

Wow – my last blog was 23 days ago – feels like just last week.  Since that blog I’ve gone silent in more ways than one.  Not only am I not writing – I’m not taking phone calls, I don’t want to talk to anyone other than my daughter – and even then I just sit in silence a lot of the time.  I’ve reverted back to spending days on end in my pj’s with the blinds closed.

Halloween was always the big Holiday kick off in our house.  We all loved the decorations, the dressing up – and seeing all of the kids come to the door for candy.  This year – I didn’t even buy a bag of candy for us.  We even took down the flags, turned off the porch lights and hid out in the back watching TV on Halloween.  I’ve been decorating for a Holiday open house at my studio.  I created some great invitations and have some fun ideas – but I haven’t sent them out yet and it was supposed to start tomorrow.  Good thing I’m in charge and can just change the date.  Maybe tomorrow will be the day I wake up and get dressed and decide to join the rest of the world again.  I pray for this every night.

This month would’ve been our 28th wedding anniversary. I’m so grateful for all of the time we had together – and for all of the love I got to experience.  My heart is broken.  My spirit doesn’t want to fly alone.  I still can’t believe he is gone.  I know he is here in spirit – but I’m still in a body and I miss him so much.  No matter what happened – all he had to do was hold me in his arms and say “It’s okay baby – everything is going to be alright”.

Nothing in my world is the same as it was 9 months ago.  Back then, even when I was feeling depressed or sad, I could still find my joyful self.  Now I feel as if I’m Sadness from the movie “Inside Out”, and everything I touch or come into contact with is infected with my sadness.  This is NOT ME!!!  I’m JOY for crying out loud.   Or have I just been pretending to be Joy???

I want to figure out who I am and what I want.  I want to stop breaking into tears at random moments.  I want to vibrate in Joy and not in Sadness.  Until I can figure out how to do this I don’t want to be around anyone.  I don’t want to bring my current friends down.  I don’t want them to worry about me.  I don’t want to meet new people and have their first impression of me be based on my current vibrational energy.  I also want to make sure that wherever I am vibrating – it is authentic.  I don’t want to have to fake it.  I’ve always said – just be yourself and those that are meant to be in your life will be drawn to you.  I always thought I knew who I was though.  I guess I never had to look this hard at myself before.